Tartarus and back
by TheMagicPimpBus
Summary: When Bonfire "accidentally" burns down a large part of a forest on the borders of Griffonia princess Luna is just a teensy bit angry. He thinks that he is going to be banished to the moon, however princess Luna gives him one last chance. Now he is living in Ponyville with the last of the time lords and the most violent pony in the history of Equestria, fun. Bad summary is bad.
1. Relocated

**Chapter 1: Relocated**

"Would you mind explaining to me how in Celestia's name you managed to burn down 20 miles of forest?" The midnight blue alicorn sighed.

"Would you believe it was an accident?" Replied the black stallion hopefully, he was a pegasus with a red and orange streaked mane and a flaming hoofprint cutie mark, he looked perfectly normal besides for one detail, he was missing his right wing.

"It depends on the circumstances."

"Well you know how I feel about Manticores right?"

"Yes"

"Well you see, I was sitting in my cottage watching the border with Griffonia just like you asked."

"Mhm"

"Well there was a Manticore nest just over the border about a ten minute walk from my cottage and there were some cubs who just wouldn't shut up, so I decided enough is enough they had been keeping me awake every night for weeks, I went over to the nest and watched it for a few days. Now one or two Manticores I can handle, however I do start getting a teensy bit worried when there's ten of the buckers."

"So you decided to set the forest on fire?"

"Nope that came later. I'd watched the nest to try and figure out how to "dispose" of them all and then it hit me, burn that shit!" He said all of this with a mad glint in his eye which made the lunar princess question his sanity, "So I started a fire at each entrance to the nest and it worked, mostly..."

"What do you mean "mostly"

"Well the fire started to spread nearby trees . I tried to put them out there wasn't any water nearby."

"So?"

"So I ran." The princess facehoofed.

Luna stared up at the beautiful night sky and then turned to the stallion. "Bonfire the only reason you are not in the Canterlot dungeons right now is because you are too useful to me and Tia." she sighed and then continued "This is your last chance, I want you to go to Ponyville and find one of my other agents."

"Fine. Who is he?"

"Oh I think that you know him already." Smirked the princess, she continued "Arthur."

"Arthur?"

"The very same." Bonfire had a look of absolute terror on his face "The self proclaimed wee mad bastard?"

"Yes."

"Luna if you want me dead you can just have the royal guard execute me." The princess just smiled. "I hate you." Bonfire sighed.

"Oh and one more thing before you go, there is somepony else I want you to meet he calls himself the doctor."

"What does he look like?"

"You will know when you have met him."

"For bucks sake." And with that Bonfire walked out of the princess' private chambers.

**Authors note: If you like this so far then great, if you didn't then tell me why and I will try to improve my writing. Chapters after this one will be much longer and hopefully much better. To anyone who plans to keep reading this I can't promise frequent updates as most of the time it is hard for me to write, however I will try to update once every two weeks.**

**Remember R&R.**


	2. An important announcement

**Authors note: Great job to anyone who got the Wee Mad Arthur reference, this took me three days of staring at a blank page to type out but I did it, writers block can suck it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own MLP:FIM Hasbro does.**

**Chapter 2: An important announcement**

He finished packing his saddlebags and went to walk out the door of his apartment. _"_Nearly forgot." He said to himself whilst turning around. He went into his bedroom and pulled a large case out from under his bed. Dragging it behind him he went on his way.

Bonfire weaved his way through the streets getting dirty looks from the noble ponies along the way. "Clopstains." he muttered under his breath, he attempted to think of ways to deal with the nobles that wouldn't result in him being banished. A few minutes later he was walking down the street to Canterlot's main gate when he looked down an alleyway, he recognized part of the street on the other side and then he had an idea, _Holy Celestia I'm a genius! _he thought to himself. He turned off into an alleyway and emerged on another street he continued on till he found what he was looking for _Momma Screwloose's. _He hadn't been inside here for more than two years. He banged on the door with his hoof and shouted "Screwloose? It's me Bonfire I've got a bucking brilliant plan but I need your help to do it." No answer. He sighed. "Screwloose I know you're in there! Let me in or I'll burn your bucking store down and cut your wings off!" Still nothing. Bonfire stared blankly at the door and then tried to peek through the letter box. "Oh shit!" there was a hose just behind the letter box, and suddenly a rainbow coloured liquid began spraying out directly into Bonfires eye "OH SHIT THAT BUCKING BURNS! SCREWLOOSE YOU BUCKING CUNT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?"

"Because it was funny." She replied smiling sweetly.

"THAT'S NOT BUCKING FUNNY THAT'S JUST CRUEL!"

"Well there might have been another reason as well."

"What?" He answered managing to calm down a bit.

"Remember when I was a filly and I had that little hat with the little helicopter on top?"

"Yeah why?"

"Well I know it was you who broke it so consider this as revenge."

"Seriously! I broke some retarded little hat you had so you spray rainbow juice in my eye?!"

"Pretty much."

"Buck you. Psycho bitch."

"You're calling me a psycho?" She replied laughing.

"So what did you want anyway?" Screwloose asked hoofing him a bottle of eye drops.

"I'm sick of all these noble ponies being snotty cunts, so after princess Luna raises the moon tonight I'm going to go to the middle of the markets and cause some shit. You in?"

"Sure what do you need?

"Three liters of rainbow juice, an air horn and two smoke bombs."

"Sure I've got all of that in the back, wait here a minute and I'll go and get them."

Bonfire knew he had a couple of minutes till she came back so he took a chance to look around her shop and saw it had changed a lot since the last time he was in there, she had went from just selling crappy tourist stuff to selling everything from nightmare night costumes to masks and jewellery from the zebra territory.

But the best part was a life sized statue of Discord, _looks like I'm not his only fan, too bad that Celestia trapped him in a statue. It'd be pretty awesome to meet him._

Bonfire heard Screwloose come back into the main part of the store and returned to the front counter.

"Here." She said hoofing him a paper bag.

"Thanks how much is it?" He asked.

"For this? Free. Just make sure I'm there before you start." She told him smiling.

"Just be there five minutes after Luna raises the moon." And with that he walked out.

Luna still wouldn't raise the moon for another half hour so Bonfire had plenty of time to get ready. Walking into the Derpy express Bonfire hoofed his case over to the clerk behind the counter and told him "Take this to Ponyville and leave it with Vinyl Scratch, tell her that Bonfire will be over to pick it up later."

"That'll be sixteen bits sir." The unicorn behind the counter told him.

"Seriously? Rip off. Here's your money but if that case isn't at Vinyl's when I get there I'm going to come back here and geld you." He said smiling.

Bonfire walked up to Screwloose in the middle of the crowded market and slipped a smoke bomb into her saddlebags and continued walking, as he went past her he whispered "There's a smoke bomb in your bag, throw it onto that stall when you get a chance."

Screwloose smiled and threw the smoke bomb onto the stall Bonfire mentioned and sat back to enjoy the show.

As soon as the smoke bomb went off Bonfire ran towards the stall and jumped on top blowing the air horn the entire time. He paused waiting for the smoke to clear and as soon as he was fully visible he began "Well Hello there arseholes, I'm Bonfire and today I'm going to explain why every single pony here is a cunt. Oh, except you Fancypant's you're alright." I shouted seeing the stallion surrounded by his usual flank kissers, he smiled realising exactly what I was doing. "You buckers need to learn the true meaning of the word noble..."

"Stop using that foul language around my foal!" Interrupted an angry mother.

He looked at her and said "Look at all the bucks I don't give they're just falling out of the sky!" he threw banners from the stall into the air for emphasis "Now I'm guessing that It's your time of the month so I'll let you off. Also I'd just like to say that you have a damn fine flank."

"How dare a commoner such as yourself speaks about my wife in such a way!" Shouted an angry prince Blueblood.

"Oh if it isn't the king of the cloppers. Buck you I do what I want"

He jumped down off the stall and turned around to buck prince Blueblood in the face feeling his jaw break from the force of the kick.

At this point several guards ran up and restrained me.

"Arrest this stallion at once!" screamed an angry nobleman.

"Buck you." He replied. "Guards look in my saddlebags and there should be a letter in there." The stallion nearest to him obliged and pulled said letter out. He unfurled it and began to read his eyes going wide when he saw the signatures at the bottom. " Would you mind reading the letter out for us?" The guard nodded.

"This letter is to decree that the stallion known as Bonfire is allowed to use any means he deems necessary for the protection of Equestria. Signed princess Celestia and princess Luna." As the guard finished reading everypony began to stare at him. He took the letter from the guard and looked at the stall next to him seeing that they had hammers he picked one up and asked the dumbstruck mare behind the counter "Do you mind if I borrow this?" She shook her head.

"Okay great. I hearby deem it necessary for the protection of Equestria that I beat the everloving shit out of prince Blueblood." He shouted to the entire market. Blueblood was standing on his hind legs leaning against a stall for support looking absolutely terrified. Bonfire walked up to him and smiled, he punched him in the face causing him to fall back onto his flank he began to scramble away from Bonfire till he hit a nearby stall. Bonfire walked over to him stood up on both hind legs and began to inspect the hammer and then leaned down to Blueblood and whispered "Let's play a game it's called nutcracker." He lifted the hammer up over his head and began to bring it down onto Blueblood's stallionhood.

He pulled the jar of rainbow juice from my saddlebags and began to pour it onto the mess that used to be his baby makers smiling as he screamed in agony. He turned around and stared at the crowd who were looking on horrified "Equestria is safe once again!" He screamed to everypony around him. "Goodbye fair citizens of Canterlot!" He threw his other smoke bomb and ran down the streets of Canterlot not stopping till he was well past the main gate. At which point he collapsed into a bush and laughed for hours.

**Authors note: Finally finished this chapter, took me two hours to type but I did it. This is a big chapter for me nearly 1.5 thousand words, big thanks to everypony who has read this fic so far. Also in case you couldn't guess I can't stand prince Blueblood so that scene was especially fun for me to write. I might move this up to an M for swearing and gore and stuff especially after the next chapter let me know in a review.**

**Remember I need reviews like Charlie Sheen needs crack.**


	3. Crash

**Crash**

" How the hay could you do that to him?!"

"Well it was quite simple really, I grabbed his sword and and then stabbed him in the leg. What's not to understand about that?"

"But why?"

"He woke me up."

"Are you bucking serious?" The night guard sighed, she and her friend had drawn the short straws when the princess had asked for two Pegasi to escort Bonfire to Ponyville.

"Well I'm Starscream and this is Lightning Runner." She said pointing to the unconscious pegasus next to her.

"I couldn't give less of a buck if I tried, what did you want anyway?" Bonfire asked.

"The princess asked us to escort you to Ponyville, seeing as you can't go anywhere without seriously injuring Prince Blueblood."

"Admit it that is bucking hilarious."

"Yeah but Celestia's pretty pissed about it."

"And what the buck is she going to do? Send me to the moon? Again." He said.

A groan came from Lightning. "Well look who's waking up. Wakey wakey sleepy head" Bonfire said in a cheery voice.

" Hey Star." Lightning asked looking down at his foreleg. "Thanks for fixing my leg."

"No problem, now say sorry Bonfire."

He looked at Starscream and then over to Lightning "Piss off."

"That's the best I'm getting isn't it?" Lightning asked.

"Yep, now come on I want to get to Ponyville, I cannot bucking wait to see the look on Twi's face when she realises that I'm staying there."

"Sure, I need to get off this leg anyway, it might be fixed but it still hurts like a bitch."

"Is that chocolate rain?"

"Only one way to find out." Bonfire said turning his head to the sky and opening his mouth. "Yes it is, and it's bucking delicious." He reached out and grabbed a chunk of cloud. "Want some? It's cotton candy."

"Sure." Lightning reached behind him and took some of the cloud from Bonfire.

"ALL ABOARD!"

"What the hay was that?"

Starscream and Lightning turned the chariot around to look at the rapidly approaching yellow object.

They brought the chariot up alongside it, "What the buck is that?" Lightning asked

One of the windows rolled down to reveal a strange fleshy creature wearing a metal hat with horns.

"Is that a human?" Starscream asked.

"I thought they were all extinct."

"I thought I made them extinct." Bonfire said to himself.

The human opened his mouth. "FUS RO DAH!"

"You okay? Starscream asked helping Bonfire out of the wreckage.

"Yep, now let's go WIN SELF DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH MOLDAVIAN PEOPLE!" He head butted a tree several times. "I'm fine now. Where's Lightning?"

She shook her head and looked back to the wreck "He's dead."

"Sucks to be him. Are you okay?" He asked looking towards her bat wings he noticed that the membrane was torn in several places.

"You're a dick you know that?"

"Why am I?"

"He's dead! And you don't even give two bucks"

"I know I don't now quit your bitchi-" Bonfire was cut off by a loud roar coming from somewhere nearby.

"What was that?" Starscream asked nervously.

"Personally I think it was a cute little bunny rabbit."

Another roar this time closer.

"We're going to die aren't we?"

"I've got a plan."

"So we're definitely dead then?"

"Shut up and watch." He reached into his saddlebags pulled out two metal apples, one with a rainbow pattern on it and the other with a flame pattern on it.

"What are those?"

"Grenades. Celestia asked me to test them out." He held up the flame patterned one "This has something in it called Napalm." Next he held up the rainbow one. "No idea what's in this one but Celestia said that I'm going to love it."

"Bonfire?"

"What?"

"Look behind you."


End file.
